All Abhorred!

I still can’t believe we’re already in 2010 (oh’10). What the frick?!? I always feel a little blue the first week of the New Year. I know it’s designed to be a time of renewal and fresh starts, but I guess it’s seeing all the unlit holiday decorations still hung past their prime that depresses me a little… Even the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center looks as though it’s stayed a little too long at the fair by the 5th of January. It reminds me of myself the morning after Halloween: still dimly lit, and still gaudily dressed (usually in second-rate drag, with my wig on backwards and one false eyelash hanging on for dear life.) Sad remnants of a more festive time... Ah, well. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. (Ugh. Now I’m really nauseous.)

I heard a new automated announcement on the subway this morning: “Ladies and Gentleman, remember… A crowded subway car is no excuse for inappropriate or unlawful sexual conduct.”

Um… Actually, it’s a perfect excuse. And it's the only reason I still use public transportation.

I looked around to catch everyone’s reaction to the bulletin. Three middle-aged, touristy-looking soccer moms turned red with embarrassment and began to chatter feverishly off-topic, hoping to block out the awkwardness of having just heard the word “sexual” announced over a loudspeaker before 9AM. A rotund business man who’d already been sweating profusely (despite the 20 degree weather he’d just escaped) began to drip harder and buried his big bald head deeper into his newspaper. The three sassy gay guys to my left, however, just grinned and giggled to one another. Naturally. They'd probably done it three times since they boarded the train. (Do not talk to the gays about an excuse for inappropriate and unlawful sexual conduct. We could find one at an autopsy.)

I personally found the announcement thoroughly amusing, needless to say, but also a little offensive. I mean, first they hike the train fare and now they try to take away our subway sex??? What’s next, New Yorkers? No television in our cabs?? No moist towelettes with our chicken wings at Hooters??? My, how times have changed since I was a classy young lady.

*fart*

Victoria's Secret

Happy New Year, Bloggities! This is gonna be a big year. I can feel it in my uterus. I'm already busy making plans for 2010, and I'm sharing them with you. Check out my video blahg below! I think you'll find it motivational as well as informative. (And perhaps even a little erotic, depending on which prison cell you're joining us from.)

Randy Rainbow "Vision Board" from Randy Rainbow on Vimeo.

Frankly, Tiger, I Don't Give a Sh*t

I am so sick to death of Tiger Woods and his harem of ho-bags. If I have to hear once more about how shocked and betrayed America is by this whole thing, I’m gonna vomit golf bawllz. I mean, come now… Professional athletes behaving unfaithfully to their wives? What’s next? Asians taking a lot of pictures? Homeless people shitting themselves? Get over it, everybody!

And PS - Santa Claus is a recovering alcoholic and the Tooth Fairy's a big dyke. Let's pick up the pieces and move on.

Anyway, I don't wanna think about that anymore today. I'll think about it tomorrow. Which reminds me... This week marks the 70th Anniversary of the release of the now-classic Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Technicolor extravaganza "Gone With the Wind". Can you imagine?? 70 years ago! I was only like 6 years old, or something. (My math could be wrong.)

I'll never forget the first time I saw it. I was actually around 11 when I watched my grandmother's VHS copy, and I quickly became obsessed. It'll come as no surprise that I felt an immediate connection to the character of Scarlett O'Hara, as played by Vivien Leigh. She was a strong-willed man-crazy spitfire with a phony Southern accent - just like me! I was smitten.

Some little boys had Michael Jordon; I had Scarlett O'Hara.

Imagine my elation when just a year later, I saw a commercial for an up-coming TV mini-series based on the sequel to the novel "Gone with the Wind" called "Scarlett", starring Joanne Whalley in the title role. Great balls of fire! I'd never been so excited about anything. I think I printed up invitations for a viewing party in my living room and handed them out to my stuffed animals. (Boys will be boys!) I walked around the house for a week before it aired, wearing my mother's leather gloves, carrying a Minnie Mouse parasol, saying "Fiddle-dee-dee!" and reciting lines I'd memorized from the TV promos like, "I, sir, am a woman of considerable means!" Then I'd storm out of the room.

My poor parents were so terribly confused by all this. I remember my father kept asking me, "What are you supposed to be, exactly?" Well, if he didn't know, I certainly wasn't about to explain it to him. I, sir, was a woman of considerable means.

Anyway, the point is: I'm gay. Always have been.

I hope I haven't shattered any more of your idealistic fantasies today.

Happy 70th, GWTW!!!

Love,
Scarlett O'Faygehleh

Do You See What I See?

You know those big scary soldiers dressed head-to-toe in camouflage who march around Grand Central and Times Square with their big scary guns and big scary helmets? Maybe I’m just not getting the big picture here, but I don’t think they really are fully grasping the concept of camouflage. Because, you guys… I can totally still see them. In fact, I find that outside of any sort of desert or grassland situation, the camouflage battle dress only enhances their prominence. And I’m not even like a terrorist or a jungle snake or anything. They should probably be dressing up to look like Rosetta Stone kiosks or the exterior of Starbucks; not twigs and bushes. I'm almost positive it would be less conspicuous and aid in the illusion. The full-out army fatigues just seem a little douchey when we're, say, in Barnes and Noble.

Meanwhile, I'm finally getting into the holiday spirit! (And I don't mean like "Hanukkah" or "Kwanzaa" or "Secretary's Day". I mean the real holiday.) Mariah Carey's Christmas album has been working overtime on my iPod since Thanksgiving, and I'm living! I've always gotten shit from a lot of my anti-Semitic friends about my extensive Christmas music collection (cuz of the Jewishness), but I stand by it.

And Mariah's not the only deev giving me the Christmas crunchies these days... I recently got a double dose of holiday homo happiness at Birdland. Stephanie J. Block and Christine Ebersole (with the great Billy Stritch) each sold out holiday concerts there last week, and I crashed 'em both. So incredible! The Christine/Billy concert has become something of a Christmas tradition for me, as this was my third year in attendance, and let me just say this: if those two have not released a Christmas album by this time next year, I will climb to the top of the Christmas tree at Rockerfeller Plaza and leap to my death, crushing Meredith Vieira live on the Today Show. That might sound overdramatic, but it really is vital! Billy Stritch's arrangements are so fantastic! (BTW - The gorge Brent Barrett is celebrating his new Xmas album at Birdland on 12/13 and 12/14. Hit it!)

Check out me and the exquisite Stephanie Block. We're using this one for our Christmas cards this year.

God, look how radiant she is! (Stephanie, too.)