Finishing the Flat

One of my favorite things - aside from macraméing, the smell of fresh linen, making homemade bath soaps, and binge drinking - is interior painting. You didn't know that about me, did you? It's inexpensive, it relieves stress, and I think it's the most important thing one can do to enhance one's home next to flushing the toilet.

I know a lot about these things. My middle name is Stewart, and for a good reason - I was named after the iconic diva of domestic living and goddess of good housekeeping... Mary Stuart Masterson.

This past weekend, I repainted my living room and I wanted to share the gorge results with you. The color is called "wood violet". It kind of looks like violet, but with wood. I'm really happy with it. The centerpiece of the wall is my framed print of Seurat's "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte", the inspiration for Sondheim's Sunday in the Park with George. Notice how the new color exactly matches the color of Bernadette Peters' dress in the painting. (Don't you love how I actually think the woman in the painting is Bernadette Peters? Obviously I know it isn't, really. Bernadette was out of the show the day it was painted. The woman in the painting is actually her understudy. Fun fact!)


In somewhat related and much more exciting news: My ticket to Bernadette Peters' November 9th BC/EFA concert at the Minskoff arrived today! I'm so excited, I could bust outta my Bob Mackie gown!

Precious Moments and Jelly Doughnuts (or "The Emancipation of Meeskite")

It’s begun. I’ve started eating nothing but crap. Cookies, candy, ice cream... anything that's put in front of me. I love the week leading up to Halloween, don't you? You can eat all the sugar your enlarged heart desires and not feel guilty! It’s like skipping the gym while you’re on vacation, or gay prison sex; it totally doesn't count!

Speaking of Shallowqueen, I’ve narrowed my costume options down to just two: I’m either going to reprise last year’s sensation and go as “Kathy”, the drunk, promiscuous trick-or-treater mom (she was very popular – especially with the cab drivers), or as Precious, the obese and lovable African American protagonist from the upcoming Oprah-produced motion picture of the same name. Both have their perks, but I think I’ll probably stick with “Kathy”. After my week of candy binging I’d have to lose 15 pounds just to fit into the Precious costume.

And speaking of obese and lovable, the other night, I had my first encounter with Dylan’s Candy Bar, the monster candy warehouse owned by Ralph Lauren’s daughter on the Upper East Side. And it was an encounter of the most intimate kind. A few friends and I shared some amazing peanut butter cup ice cream creation with extra whipped cream and two scoops of shame and regret. (And by “shared” I mean I ate the entire thing myself while my friends pointed at me and laughed.) Anyway, it's my new favorite place. Ironic, though, that Ralph Lauren should be the creator of the slim-fit chino and skinny jean, while his daughter is the creator of love handles. But I digress…

We were there killing time (and our waistlines) before an advanced screening of "Precious", which, through the haze of my sugar coma, I really enjoyed. Based on the 1996 novel “Push” by Sapphire, "Precious" tells the story of overweight, illiterate 16-year-old Claireece “Precious” Jones and her persevering struggle to survive and thrive in 1980’s Harlem after twice being impregnated by her own father, as she endures the unrelenting abuse of her welfare mother. Needless to say, I have not personally related so strongly to a leading character since "Yentl".

Newcomer Gabourey Sidibe is heartbreaking in the title role. She, along with her entire supporting cast, gives one of the most raw and fearless performances I've seen onscreen in a while; Comedienne Mo'Nique, with whom I've had an arguably unnatural obsession for many years (just ask the African American checkout diva at Blockbuster who blatantly judges me every time I rent "The Queens of Comedy"), is standout as the self-destructive mother. She's already receiving Oscar buzz, and once you see her final scene in the movie, you won't ask questions; Mariah Carey makes a commendable cameo as a native New York social worker who, to be generous, does not share Mariah's real-life affections for cleavage and Cover Girl Cosmetics. Completely stripped of her glitz, glam and good lighting, she goes au naturel for the first time in her glittery career. I'm not saying she looks bad, I'm just saying that if anyone deserves an Academy Award for "Precious", it's Mariah's lovely husband Nick Cannon. However, MC does a nice little acting job and I applaud her bravery. (Maybe next time she's gonna be so brave, she can wear a little foundation.)

The movie opens to average joe's like yourselves on November 6. Don't miss it! It's intense, so bring ice cream.

I'm gonna go try on my spandex leggings.

Xanax and Candy Corn,
"Kathy"

Lady of the Lake (or "Oh Look... There Goes My Old Fur Coat!")

Jesus needs better publicity, Y’all. I was joined on the train last night by a nine-foot-a-hundred man with bad clothes, bad hair, bad breath, and an even worse attitude. He was waving a bible in the air and yelling at me (well, not just at me, but you know how personally I take these things) that Jesus was returning and that he was crazy mad at us for all the sinning and gay sex and stuff, and that we’d better prepare to burn in the Lake of Fire. How does one prepare for that, exactly? I went straight home and ordered a new bathing suit online – It’s really cute.

Why are these eccentric Jesus fans always so negative about His big comeback? I miss the days when we’d celebrate the return of Jesus by driving him down 6th Avenue on a big float for the finale of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. (Different guy?) Anyway, they always make him sound like a real A-hole, and I find it an unfortunate representation of someone they claim to love so much. I’m sorry, but the god I pray to is nothing to be afraid of. My god only brings peace and joy. My god is not so quick to judge people for their differences and would never be so discriminatory or so violent. The god I pray to is a forgiving and happy god. And I think especially since 1998, when she married James Brolin. She just seems happier.

Also, when my god makes a comeback, it’s usually with a new album or a concert in an air-conditioned arena; never with the threat of eternal damnation in fiery waters.

Speaking of… This past weekend, Babs auctioned off precious items from three of her homes, raising more than $600,000 for her nonprofit organization. If you haven’t already, check out the auctioned items on Julien’s website. It’s quite spectacular. Apparently, the wig she wore in “On a Clear Day” went for a whopping $3,500. Seems like an excessive amount of money to spend on a wig. However, Halloween comes but once a year and I have quite a few costume contests to sew up. Wait’ll ya see it on me!

In other, non-Barbra related news: I’m very excited about my next few nights. This evening, I’ll be attending a screening of the new Oprah-produced film “Precious”, starring newcomer Gabourey Sidibe, the brilliant Mo’Nique, and my darling Mariah Carey in harsh lighting with no makeup (which, from what I’ve seen of her in the trailer, is actually just Sean Connery in really good lighting.)

And Tomorrow night, I’ll be seeing the first preview of one of my favorite shows of all time, Ragtime. I’m so excited, I could plotz! Ah-weeeeeeeeeeee!

If there’s free WiFi in the Lake of Fire, I’ll let you know how it all turns out.

Tickle Me Barbra

I've just awoken from the most horrible dream: I was in Chicago (the city, not the musical... wait, it gets worse.) I was in the studio audience of the Oprah show, and Oprah had just announced bellowed that we were to be part of her annual "Favorite Things" episode. Naturally, we all became hysterical and began jumping up and down and crying and ripping the weaves from our scalps, just like Oprah's real studio audience always does when they learn there will be a giveaway. Only once the show finally got underway, our elation dissolved when we realized that Oprah's favorite things this year were dental floss, adult diapers and Kraft American Cheese Singles. I looked this up in my dream dictionary and it says it means that I have most likely been setting myself up for disappointment in my relationships with Oprah. Admittedly, I do need to work on that.

But speaking of favorite things and the spirit of giving... It is not even Halloween yet, and that can mean only one thing... CHRISTMAS! At least according to all the Rite Aid drugstores in my neighborhood which have already begun plugging in their artificial fiber optic Christmas trees and hockin' their Holiday crap. It really bugs me that stores start with this in October! It's an offensively blatant marketing plot designed to trick an entire nation of poor hardworking schmucks who don't know any better into emptying their wallets and falling deeper into financial ruin, thus perpetuating the gross commercialization of what should be a sacred and spiritually prosperous time of year. It offends me, personally, and I refuse to take any part in it.

In other, completely unrelated news, I've recently begun Christmas shopping! (The Christmas tree at Rite Aid reminded me that I'd better get a head start.) I've been reading all the online lists of "2009's Hottest Toys" to better prepare myself. Here are a few of my faves (keep your weaves in; I'm not giving anything away):

Apparently Zhu Zhu Pets (left) have been christened "the Tickle Me Elmo of 2009." The plush interactive hamster dolls offer all the fun of an actual rodent pet, without the infectious diseases and shitting. I find this one incredibly lame. I want four of them. Not to be outdone, the makers of Tickle Me Elmo are quickly releasing the Tickle Me Elmo Extreme TMXXX. In addition to having bonus tickle points behind the neck, under the arms and in every major erogenous zone, the Tickle Me Elmo TM Triple-X comes complete with condoms and is capable of full-on intercourse. And when you "tickle" him, he not only laughs but recounts the disturbing rape confessions graphically described in chapters 2, 6, 9, 13 and 24 of Mackenzie Phillips' new memoir, "High On Arrival." (And chapter 28.)

There's also a controversial new line of black Barbie dolls out this week called "So In Style". The ghetto-fab new Barbie has many calling Mattel racist as they feel it is a stereotypical misrepresentation of young black youth in America. Apparently they all come with big earrings, flashy bling, a home pregnancy test, criminal record and an unexplained blonde lock of white Barbie's hair. I think they're just adorable! I need the collection. (Picture on left: This is Trichelle and her "little sister"/daughter Janessa. Trichelle has a gun.)

And finally, for the most amazing toy of 2009 (or quite possibly of life...) Mattel is releasing a limited edition Barbra Streisand doll in November, done up in the style of her appearance on the Judy Garland Show in 1963. Brilliant! I just hope kids today realize how good they have it... In my day, little boys didn't have Barbra Streisand dolls. When we wanted to reenact "Funny Girl" or play "My Name Is Barbra" we were forced to draw jew noses and trim page boy hairstyles on our Malibu Barbies and sew our own little mini sailor blouses with limp bows and black pencil skirts with slits up the side. We've come a long way, Fags! (I need at least eleven of these.)

MERRY OCTOBER! GET TO SHOPPING!
XOXO